


Please Don't Go Where I Can't Follow

by subtlesinner



Series: No Room for Love in War [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 14:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7225264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtlesinner/pseuds/subtlesinner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Lieutenant was there the day Shepard died, obeyed her explicit orders to leave her behind. But now, hours later, he can't get the idea of her suffocating, cold and alone in the depths of space, out of his mind. </p><p>---</p><p>Kaidan has to find a way to cope after Shepard dies, but it isn't an easy path to take, even with friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't Go Where I Can't Follow

Kaidan sat in the Alliance barrack in silence, his body shaking, completely out of control, so grief-stricken he’d already emptied his stomach twice in the last hour; but the purging hadn’t helped. Nothing would ever fill the gaping, wrong, empty feeling in his chest whenever he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about her, about what had happened to her.

“Shepard-“ Kaidan choked on the name, gasping for air when he couldn’t quite breath, just knowing he’d never get to see her face, or hear her voice again, outside the pictures and vids plastered seemingly everywhere he looked. His eyes filled, then spilled over, hot tears streaking fresh down his cheeks as he let himself break down completely, for the first time, now that he was alone. Kaidan crumbled in on himself, wracked with agonized sobs as he fought with himself, unable to silence the part of him that kept questioning, what if he hadn’t followed her order? What if he’d refused to leave without her? He knew the thoughts were irrelevant, but he couldn’t forgive himself for just leaving the love of his life behind to die like that. The moment haunted him, as the realization struck that the last words she ever said to him weren’t ‘I love you’, or some other sweet nothing, but a fast, no-nonsense order from Commander to Lieutenant.

“Kaidan, go.” Her gaze had softened, just slightly, and the thought made his heart hurt all over again. “Now.” _Please._ He knew she was pleading with him, trying to get him out of the burning wreckage before whoever was assaulting them decided to mount another attack. And so, he’d obeyed her, turning his back to evacuate while Shepard ran head-first into the cockpit to find Joker, just as crazy and stupid as ever. Kaidan seethed with anger, knowing the Alliance had confirmed it only hours ago; Shepard had convinced Moreau to leave, sealing off the Normandy’s cockpit when the next enemy blast tore through what remained of the hull, miraculously, choosing to sacrifice herself to the ravages of open space to do so. Kaidan’s stomach flipped again when he remembered the way the Normandy wreckage had lit up the sky; he was just thankful their pod had gotten too far away to watch Shepard’s body floating in space until she asphyxiated. He sniffed again, not bothering to even try to wipe away the tears and snot running down his face as grief wracked his mind and body over again, knowing that Shepard, _his_ Jane Shepard, spent the final moments of her life cold, scared and completely alone in the black void of space. That though alone sent him even deeper into the depressive spiral, his heart aching as he tried to push the thought of what she must have experienced in those final terrifying moments from his mind. Without warning, Kaidan heard a brief knock on the door, followed by the sound of heavy panels shifting open. Picking his head up from his hands, Kaidan’s heart dropped and he scrambled to stand at attention as the Admiral invited himself inside, closing the door behind him.

“Admiral-“ Kaidan saluted, his voice still croaking with grief despite himself. Anderson raised a hand to quiet him before answering.

“At ease, Lieutenant. I’m sorry for intruding, it’s just, Doctor Chakwas told me I could likely find you here.” The Admiral’s expression softened slightly as he looked over the younger officer; it was clear Kaidan was deep in the throes of mourning, his deep brown eyes rimmed red and swollen, they stood out even more so than usual against his olive skin. “I’m not here as your commanding officer right now, Alenko. I wanted to come to you as a friend of Shepard’s.” Just hearing Anderson say her name out loud made it feel like the world was crashing down around him again. “We don’t know each other very well, but I understand the two of had grown extremely close to one another.”

“Admiral, if you want to talk about Alliance code of conduct, I’d really rather wait for another time-“ Kaidan looked hurt, and Anderson panicked, correcting,

“No, Kaidan. That isn’t why I’m here.” He reached into his jacket pocket slowly, slipped an Alliance-issued envelope from the inside of his lapel and offered it gently to Kaidan. “An Alliance team recovered her remains shortlyafter intercepting helmsman Moreau in what remained of the Normandy’s cockpit. Joker was devastated at what Shepard chose to do for him, it wasn’t the decision Joker would have made, and he wanted to make sure you knew that.” Kaidan knew exactly what the package contained, the moment his fingers closed around the paper. “Shepard didn’t have any surviving family members to speak of, so I thought it would be best for you to have them.” Kaidan opened the packet carefully, shaking Shepard’s tags into his palm; he felt like he’d been punched in the chest, sorrow and gratitude overwhelming Kaidan as he looked at the small metal ID tags and then back at the Admiral.

“Sir, th-thank you. I-“ He couldn’t finish the thought, shaking his head in embarrassment as his voice broke, a wave of anguish causing his shoulders to shake. Anderson patted Kaidan on the shoulder, just gently enough to try to be reassuring, “What happens now?” Kaidan swiped the heels of his palms against his swollen eyelids, sniffing once more.

“Alliance Command hasn’t quite made their minds up yet. For the time being, all Normandy crew members are being put on temporary leave, at least until we decide how to move forward from here.” Kaidan nodded slowly. “Do you have somewhere you can go, son? Someone you can stay with for a little while?” Anderson’s face drew with concern, but Kaidan nodded.

“It’s been a few years since I last visited my parents back on Earth. I’ll probably stay with them in Canada for a few days.”

“I’ll set up travel accommodations for you in the morning.” Anderson replied, and Kaidan was taken aback by his generosity. As Anderson prepared to leave, Kaidan stopped him, knowing he would regret it forever if he didn’t ask.

“Sir?” Anderson looked surprised. “What will happen to Shepard’s… to the rest of her effects? Was there anything else they were able to recover?” Anderson looked uncomfortable, and Kaidan’s stomach tightened, preparing himself for bad news.

“A third party is petitioning for a grant to receive Shepard’s remains for research purposes. It’s classified, but the Alliance still hasn’t made an official decision.” Kaidan stiffened, his skin prickling at the thought of scientists experimenting on his beloved’s body. Anderson looked apologetic as he continued, “Some members of the Alliance are hoping to try to recover whatever they can of her Prothean visions, her knowledge.”

“It isn’t worth it.” Kaidan shot back, his temper flaring.

“For the record, I am against it as well.” Anderson sighed, before adding, “They have the rest of Shepard’s things in for decontamination right now. Her omni-tool, body armor, helmet and boots… Everything that survived the attack. I’ve already arranged to have them sent to you as soon as they’re released.” Kaidan shook his head, still not sure of how to thank Anderson for his kindness.

“I don’t know what to say, sir.” The Admiral nodded in answer, telling him,

“Just try to get some rest, son. You aren’t alone in this.”

“Yeah… uh, thank you, sir.” Anderson showed himself out leaving Kaidan alone in the barracks once more. He sat in miserable silence, staring, dumb-founded at the pair of dogtags that dangled from his balled fist and wishing, even though he knew it didn’t work that way, that the metal had somehow retained some of Shepard’s heat or sweat. He craved anything that could still physically link him to her, but the depression sunk in deeper when he knew it was fool’s hope. With Anderson gone again, Kaidan had never felt so alone in his life.

He forced himself to lie on one of the eight bunks that lined the small room he’d managed to find empty in the final flurried moments of chaos that had ensued the minute the Alliance ship that had picked them up docked at the Citadel. Crew members were panicking, knowing yet not knowing exactly what had just happened; many were injured and in need of medical treatment, and others still were just eerily quiet… Kaidan counted himself among them. Alliance Command announced Shepard’s death solemnly over the loudspeakers immediately before the boats docked, and a wave of shocked silence had rocked through the crew. Kaidan had seen C.O.s die in the line of duty before, but Shepard’s death felt entirely different, somehow. Shepard was a symbol, that Humanity was part of the universe, a force to be reckoned with. To know she died, spacing herself to save one of their own was humbling, but saying it was a good way for Earth’s hero to die felt hollow. The pods had all been intercepted in small clusters, grouping the survivors into a few different Alliance warships. Kaidan could see Wrex and Garrus shaking their heads in disbelief and looking crestfallen at the news, and Kaidan desperately hoped Liara and Tali had made it out alright. And then, the full force of losing Shepard sucked him under, and he pretty much went on auto-pilot.

Without knocking, the door slid open, and Kaidan jumped out of bed when a booming Krogan voice growled at him from across the room.

“Alenko! You’re coming out with the Turian and me for a drink.” Wrex wasn’t asking, he was telling.

“I don’t know, Wrex-“

“We’re honoring Shepard, Alenko, you don’t have a choice. You’re going.” Ordinarily, Kaidan would have put up more of a fight, but drinking until he passed out almost sounded better than wallowing alone, so he allowed Wrex to drag him to meet Garrus at Flux. It took them almost no time at all to get down to the Wards, for which Kaidan was thankful. Being crew members on the Normandy and close friends of Shepard’s were about the only things he and Wrex had in common, and he didn’t feel much like talking. By the time Kaidan and Wrex made it to Flux, Garrus was already sitting at a table in the corning, nursing a drink.

“I’m glad you made it, Lieutenant.” Garrus took another swig of his drink, “You look like hell.”

“Thanks, Garrus.” Kaidan sighed, knowing he probably should have washed his face or changed his clothes, but shrugged it off. “I need a drink.” Wrex was already at the bar and on his way back to the table by the time Kaidan turned on his heel, his mind already made up about what he needed.

“What can I get for you?” The young woman behind the bar asked him pleasantly; Kaidan couldn’t help but remember Shepard had helped her once while they were grounded at the Citadel.

“Bourbon, top shelf. Neat.” His voice sounded rough, even to himself. The bartender nodded, started him a tab and poured his drink quickly. He lifted the glass to his mouth as he walked, inhaling the heavy aroma; being Canadian, drinking beer was like drinking water to him, but this occasion called for something stronger. Something he could have drank with Shepard. Kaidan took a heavy gulp before reaching the table, pulling up a chair next to Garrus just in time to hear Wrex thunk his glass down on the table angrily.

“Take a seat, Kaidan. You got back just in time for Wrex to get us kicked out of here.”

“It’s complete bullshit, Vakarian! You can’t just go back to C-Sec with your tail between your legs!” Garrus rolled his eyes, sipping the drink as Kaidan raised an eyebrow in question.

“Alliance Command is breaking up the Normandy crew now that Shepard’s gone… We’ve all got to find _something_ to do for the future.” Kaidan took another gulp of his drink before saying,

“Yeah, I’m actually with the Krogan on this one. C-Sec just seems like the ‘safe’ choice. I thought you hated working there?” Garrus sighed, his mandibles clicking slightly as he took another sip from his drink.

“I guess… I just never really thought I’d have to find something else to do; working on the Normandy felt like doing the right thing. Knowing know what’s out there… What could be coming? It’s infuriating, knowing the Council will just sit by and do nothing.”

“You’ve got that right.” Wrex nodded in agreement, tossing back another gulp. Kaidan nodded, appreciating the way the liquor was making his surroundings feel not-quite-real, as he lifted his glass in toast.

“To Shepard.” Kaidan finished his drink, wincing as he swallowed it.

“Without a doubt, the finest human I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.” Garrus matched Kaidan, tossing back the remainder of his glass.

“She wasn’t perfect, but she was effective. A damned fine Commander.” Wrex pounded his empty tumbler on the table and signaled for the bartender to bring them another round.

***

Kaidan lost track of the number of drinks he’d consumed long before he actually stopped drinking, stumbling back to the barracks hours later to find his possessions (what remained of them, anyway) gone, and a hand-written note tacked to one of the bunks. Anderson had taken the liberty of putting Kaidan up overnight in an Alliance safe house, the address was written on the bottom of the note, along with directions from the barracks. Kaidan sighed heavily, stumbling through the Wards, and following Anderson’s written directions until he finally found the apartment, hidden away from the majority of the lower Wards shops and markets. Kaidan walked in slowly, feeling like the breath had been sucked out of his lungs when he noticed what sat waiting for him, piled neatly on the table. He felt weak in the knees, seeing Shepard’s armor, knowing that she’d put on that armor earlier in the day, just like any other day, not expecting anything out of the ordinary… And now she was gone, forever. Kaidan forced himself a step closer, finally standing near enough to see each piece carefully arranged on the table; Shepard’s omni-tool, boots, and all her armor. Almost reverently, Kaidan picked up Shepard’s helmet, the weight familiar in his hands as he turned it over and over. His chest ached with grief as he picked up her omni-tool in his other hand and started his slow shuffle toward the bedroom, where he flopped down on the overly-soft mattress unceremoniously. Kaidan tapped the familiar buttons on Shepard’s omni-tool, navigating through the device’s file system, praying as he searched desperately. His heart pounded in his chest when his eyes finally landed on the files he was looking for: audio files, hundreds of private logs and journal entries he’d caught her recording long before this mess happened. He skipped to the very bottom of the archive and pressed ‘play’, sinking back against the pillow with tears in his eyes as he heard her voice, tinny from the recording as she reported her findings from some distant small planet. Kaidan lifted Shepard’s helmet, clutching it to his chest as he closed his eyes, trying to disappear in the bittersweet sound of Jane’s voice. He sobbed, feeling broken and alone when he took a sharp breath through his nose and realized he could still smell her; the oil and hair products must have slowly saturated the helmet’s padding deeply enough that the decontamination hadn’t removed them. Kaidan’s hands shook as he clutched the helmet all the tighter, keeping his eyes screwed shut and trying to remember exactly how it felt the last time they’d just sat in bed, him on his back and her laying with her head against his chest as he ran his fingers through her soft, red hair… It had been years since Kaidan had cried himself to sleep, but the combination of alcohol and exhaustion took its toll, and Kaidan did not dream when sleep finally overtook him.

 


End file.
